


We’ve Come to Scream, In the Happy House

by megstiell



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Slight Personal Degrading, The Zoldycks - Freeform, They’re a messed up family i want them all to get the help they need, inner thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-20 04:34:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20221870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megstiell/pseuds/megstiell
Summary: This is an example (my first to be exact!) of my personal views and exploration of Illumi Zoldyck’s mind. Togashi giving us limited information on Illumi leaves his character up for a lot of interpretation, I find him extremely fascinating and he is my absolute favourite character. I really feel for him and his siblings. I hope you all enjoy this interpretation of how I explored his inner thoughts and him opening up to himself. It’s my first fic like this, hopefully it goes well! Thank You & Enjoy! ❤️Inspired by; Happy House — Siouxsie and the Banshees [I advise you to listen as you read!]





	We’ve Come to Scream, In the Happy House

Kil, I hate to see you detest me like this. Kil, I care for you deeply. I wish you could understand what they make me do. I wish you could see the burdens i’ve bared. The emotions I have forcefully stripped myself of. Naked from each cell and membrane or so it seems. 

Kil, please do not think that I hate you in any way, shape or form. You are one of my younger brothers. We are bound by blood. I would die for you in a heartbeat. You know that I would.  
Kil, do not think so low and vulgar of me. I know i display bloodlust, I know i manipulate, hypnotise and get inside your every move, every thought, every shadow. I know I lurk in the deep layers of your mind. 

I know I am to you what Dad was to me.  
I know I am the monster that hides under your bed - metaphorically of course.  
I know I am part of the equation that resulted in your full potential of the Zoldyck agenda and the Zoldyck way.  
I know I am your flesh and blood that you wish was not the way that they are.  
I know that. And still, I love you.  
Why can’t you see this, Kil? 

‘illumi! get away from the dog! you’re going to crush it by giving it too many hugs! no more affection! show less emotion!’ 

‘yes, mama..’ 

‘illumi, is this all you can do?! you have killled 4 of our best servants today alone with this poor excuse of an ability. How in the world do you expect to be the Heir of the household and business. Improvements are needed otherwise another offspring is necessary for our inevitable success ’ 

‘yes, papa..’ 

I wish you knew the pain and suffering I went through Kil. I know you love Alluka. I love... her too. It’s the other thing, that I do not love. You see, I do not wish to associate myself with something I know could harm me or my family... unless I could use it to my advantage. 

After all, is that not what we are to our parents and family members?! Something to associate yourself with until it becomes damaging.

Milluki, the respect and awe I have for you. The regrets I have for not spending enough time with you, little bro. They have high hopes for you when you are locked up inside our home. They have high hopes for you even though they think so less of you compared to others. 

I wish I could stop them. I wish I didn’t have to be a detonator of my siblings personal self-destruction. I wish you weren’t so blinded by Mom’s toxic and tainted love. I wish you could see through her white lies. 

Kalluto, I thank you. I thank you for being an amazing sibling and a friend. I fear you have become as emotionally-deprived as I. I take pride in your admiration for my work, my ability and my aesthetic. But i fear for you. You are young. You are wreckless. You are youthful. You do not deserve to be stripped of your childhood and innocence. Not like me. 

Alluka. Sweet, innocent Alluka. I’m sorry for whatever it is that is deep inside of you. I can only stop and think that there is also something dark and hideous inside of me. Maybe you scare me because Nanika reminds me of myself. Maybe you scare me because you are full of life and love and I was so deprived of that blessing. Maybe you scare me because I do not know how to love you... how to love any of you. 

Mama, I am so sorry that little me was too affectionate. I am sorry that I loved you too much. I am so sorry it took endless nights of training plus my blood, sweat and tears. I am so sorry I wasn’t as strong as the rest of us. I am sorry I had to be the first try, the trial run that failed to meet expectations. 

Papa, I am sorry I was never good enough. I am sorry my anxieties and doubt led to my failure. I am sorry I possess powers that you cannot comprehend. I am sorry that I was never perfect. 

We are family. We are blood. We are human. Yet we are in a completely different world to everyone else.  
We are not a happy house. We are not a loving unit of people living with joyous memories and unforgettable celebrations.  
We are Zoldyck. We are assassins. We don’t deserve nor do we need friends.  
We live to kill. And we kill to live.  
And for that, all of you, I am so deeply sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> I actually teared up alot writing this! This was scary to post officially as I had planned it for so long and edited it numerous times! Hopefully you all enjoyed it! I appreciate feedback especially as i’m experimenting with different styles of writing! 
> 
> Thank You for reading, take care & ily! ❤️


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